I don't think you're failing. Life isn't about that. I mean, alright, I'm guess I'm not the best authority on this kind of shit as you've seen... but failing is part of learning. You can't walk if you don't crawl, and you can't grow if you don't, first, stumble and fuck up a bit. No one is perfect, even the people that think they are.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
[ Aliza flops down too, stretching out on her back, sand clinging to her hair. She's reached that inevitable point in these conversations where she hasn't the words to explain herself any better and it's starting to sound like she's putting all her effort into being miserable. ]
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
I guess I'm not doing a good job, huh, ... [ a helpless sort of laugh as he falls backward, draping an arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun. he gives a little sigh, his tails swishing about and getting all messy, though he doesn't seem to really care. ] I'll have to work on that, but... I really just want you to feel better. I guess... I have no right to speak for anybody else, but, for what it's worth, Alizarin, I like you for you, and I enjoy the time we spend together. Just... talking and sitting or fighting and stabbing. All of it. And even if you forget me I'm sure our bond will transcend all that and we'll connect somehow in your next life, assuming I'm even around for it.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
...Don't think that. You're listening to me, that's more than most. I'm just awful with words, nothing comes out right, so eventually I just clam up. [ She rolls onto her stomach, propped on her elbows, shaking the sand from her hair in such a way that it won't land on him. ]
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
...well, I know I said I would help you with a book of some kind, but that may not be something you can keep depending on where you go. It might get lost in the shuffle. This might be a little more drastic, but... it's something to think about. Certainly more permanent.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
[ She watches him for a second, then plonks her head on his shoulder (not too hard, in case she hit it while they were fighting). ]
Your rambling makes sense. If we all understood each other instantly and had the same talents and abilities, things would be easier maybe, but also kind of boring.
Tattoos are a good idea, too. I'll have to think about what they might be. And where, I guess. [ A bit of amusement at that last bit. Dividing up her body like real estate is a funny concept. ]
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childeishly) wrote2022-09-08 09:36 am
Re: day 497.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
Re: day 497.
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
Re: day 497.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
Re: day 497.
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
Re: day 497.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
Re: day 497.
Your rambling makes sense. If we all understood each other instantly and had the same talents and abilities, things would be easier maybe, but also kind of boring.
Tattoos are a good idea, too. I'll have to think about what they might be. And where, I guess. [ A bit of amusement at that last bit. Dividing up her body like real estate is a funny concept. ]