There's a reason I didn't promise. Asking me to promise not to feel something about myself inside my own head... that's not something even you get to ask of me. No one does. [ She sounds more resigned than defiant, it's not like this is fun for her. ] I'd do almost anything for you, but I'm not going to promise to stop doing something I don't do on purpose in the first place. I can promise to try, that's it.
[ Glad as she is to hear that Caeli is at least going to attempt to work this out at the source, when he starts giving her advice she goes quiet. Not in any sort of offended way, but it does stretch on. ]
[ Finally: ] What's the point? If they're even here long enough, I'll sink into my Long Sleep within another handful of months and forget everything.
[ So you see, why should she bother not blaming herself for everything? Why try so hard to have healthy relationships? It can't last, and she won't be able to hang onto that personal growth no matter what. She's earned her pessimism, bought and paid for it time and again for hundreds of years. ]
ā¦thatās fair. I would rather you didnāt make a promise you couldnāt keep, and tryingā¦ thatās all I can really ask of you, and I certainly appreciate the effort. [ a small smile. ]
ā¦
Have you ever entertained the thought that using the resources here, at your disposal, you may be able to avoid having to go into another deep sleep ever again?
Just think about the assortment of people here, and all the different worldsā¦ the magic, the technology, ā¦and everything else. It could very well be possible.
[ he reaches for her chin, turning her face and making her look at him. ] You have every right to be skeptical, to not want to believe what Iām saying, but alsoā¦ there is a little light at the end of the tunnel, Alizarin.
I've thought of it. [ Mostly because it's been suggested before. ] I don't know, maybe. [ Which she has also said before, because it's easier than saying that she's afraid trying will just make things worse somehow. She still doesn't know much about herself, centuries or millennia of memories take a lot of time to gather, and as she's mentioned, she stopped buying them because they were only doing harm. ]
[ Despite desperately wanting to hide, she doesn't fight it when he insists she look at him. ] I don't think this is a tunnel so much as just the way things are. I've lost more partners than I have left, and most of them...
They love pieces of me, in spite of some other pieces. That's fine, it's more then enough, but it's hard not to feel it.
ā¦give them a chance. And take more memories, please. Even if itās one every once in a while. We can came out here to do it. Zhongli Xiansheng loves every part of me. Evenā¦ this part. Heās accepted its part of who I am and had even promised to help me keep it in check. And letās not forget his nation is the nation I attempted to sink, and yetā¦
Iām not going to tell you what to do, as only you can make that decision, but I can give you suggestions and try to guide you, having experienced similar things.
A few people from here are going to help me with something, as I face a particular problem that stifles my life a bit. Iā¦ donāt really want to get into details, but while most people around me seem to like for eons I may have only seen another couple of years, which, even for a human is pretty pathetic. [ a bit of a laugh, mostly to take the edge off. ] Butā¦ weāll see. I can only hope and enjoy the time I have with them now. Thereās no point Iād squandering it, especially if this IS itā¦ you knowā¦
[ She doesn't look away as Caeli speaks, knowing that there's truth in his words but having no clue what to do with it. He keeps talking about how to improve her, to prepare for a future she doesn't have. The rest of her bears it stoically enough, but he'll see the wilting sadness in her eyes. ]
Is that what you are to me? A guide? [ Maybe it's what she needs, but it's not what she wants. ]
[ blink blink. ] What, no, we're friends first and foremost, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help you in any way that I can, especially if you're dealing something that's tearing you up inside.
[ This answer immediately softens her expression, warmth seeping back into her eyes. ]
Good. It seems like everyone wants to mentor me, sometimes. I'm so childlike when I hatch so I guess I get it, but it's -- exhausting to be constantly told why I'm failing like I haven't noticed.
[ Anyone who spends three seconds with her should know she's harder on herself than anyone else, than is probably advisable. But changing isn't easy, especially when you have a handful of months to go from basically birth to death, and all she wants is someone to tell her it's okay to be sad about it, that being hard on herself is okay because they love her anyway. She wants agency and not advice, but can't quite put that to words. ]
I don't think you're failing. Life isn't about that. I mean, alright, I'm guess I'm not the best authority on this kind of shit as you've seen... but failing is part of learning. You can't walk if you don't crawl, and you can't grow if you don't, first, stumble and fuck up a bit. No one is perfect, even the people that think they are.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
[ Aliza flops down too, stretching out on her back, sand clinging to her hair. She's reached that inevitable point in these conversations where she hasn't the words to explain herself any better and it's starting to sound like she's putting all her effort into being miserable. ]
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
I guess I'm not doing a good job, huh, ... [ a helpless sort of laugh as he falls backward, draping an arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun. he gives a little sigh, his tails swishing about and getting all messy, though he doesn't seem to really care. ] I'll have to work on that, but... I really just want you to feel better. I guess... I have no right to speak for anybody else, but, for what it's worth, Alizarin, I like you for you, and I enjoy the time we spend together. Just... talking and sitting or fighting and stabbing. All of it. And even if you forget me I'm sure our bond will transcend all that and we'll connect somehow in your next life, assuming I'm even around for it.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
...Don't think that. You're listening to me, that's more than most. I'm just awful with words, nothing comes out right, so eventually I just clam up. [ She rolls onto her stomach, propped on her elbows, shaking the sand from her hair in such a way that it won't land on him. ]
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
...well, I know I said I would help you with a book of some kind, but that may not be something you can keep depending on where you go. It might get lost in the shuffle. This might be a little more drastic, but... it's something to think about. Certainly more permanent.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
[ She watches him for a second, then plonks her head on his shoulder (not too hard, in case she hit it while they were fighting). ]
Your rambling makes sense. If we all understood each other instantly and had the same talents and abilities, things would be easier maybe, but also kind of boring.
Tattoos are a good idea, too. I'll have to think about what they might be. And where, I guess. [ A bit of amusement at that last bit. Dividing up her body like real estate is a funny concept. ]
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childeishly) wrote2022-09-08 09:36 am
Re: day 497.
[ Glad as she is to hear that Caeli is at least going to attempt to work this out at the source, when he starts giving her advice she goes quiet. Not in any sort of offended way, but it does stretch on. ]
[ Finally: ] What's the point? If they're even here long enough, I'll sink into my Long Sleep within another handful of months and forget everything.
[ So you see, why should she bother not blaming herself for everything? Why try so hard to have healthy relationships? It can't last, and she won't be able to hang onto that personal growth no matter what. She's earned her pessimism, bought and paid for it time and again for hundreds of years. ]
Re: day 497.
ā¦
Have you ever entertained the thought that using the resources here, at your disposal, you may be able to avoid having to go into another deep sleep ever again?
Just think about the assortment of people here, and all the different worldsā¦ the magic, the technology, ā¦and everything else. It could very well be possible.
[ he reaches for her chin, turning her face and making her look at him. ] You have every right to be skeptical, to not want to believe what Iām saying, but alsoā¦ there is a little light at the end of the tunnel, Alizarin.
Re: day 497.
[ Despite desperately wanting to hide, she doesn't fight it when he insists she look at him. ] I don't think this is a tunnel so much as just the way things are. I've lost more partners than I have left, and most of them...
They love pieces of me, in spite of some other pieces. That's fine, it's more then enough, but it's hard not to feel it.
Re: day 497.
Iām not going to tell you what to do, as only you can make that decision, but I can give you suggestions and try to guide you, having experienced similar things.
A few people from here are going to help me with something, as I face a particular problem that stifles my life a bit. Iā¦ donāt really want to get into details, but while most people around me seem to like for eons I may have only seen another couple of years, which, even for a human is pretty pathetic. [ a bit of a laugh, mostly to take the edge off. ] Butā¦ weāll see. I can only hope and enjoy the time I have with them now. Thereās no point Iād squandering it, especially if this IS itā¦ you knowā¦
Re: day 497.
Is that what you are to me? A guide? [ Maybe it's what she needs, but it's not what she wants. ]
Re: day 497.
Re: day 497.
Good. It seems like everyone wants to mentor me, sometimes. I'm so childlike when I hatch so I guess I get it, but it's -- exhausting to be constantly told why I'm failing like I haven't noticed.
[ Anyone who spends three seconds with her should know she's harder on herself than anyone else, than is probably advisable. But changing isn't easy, especially when you have a handful of months to go from basically birth to death, and all she wants is someone to tell her it's okay to be sad about it, that being hard on herself is okay because they love her anyway. She wants agency and not advice, but can't quite put that to words. ]
Re: day 497.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
Re: day 497.
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
Re: day 497.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
Re: day 497.
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
Re: day 497.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
Re: day 497.
Your rambling makes sense. If we all understood each other instantly and had the same talents and abilities, things would be easier maybe, but also kind of boring.
Tattoos are a good idea, too. I'll have to think about what they might be. And where, I guess. [ A bit of amusement at that last bit. Dividing up her body like real estate is a funny concept. ]