[ childe cups his face, just like this, and laughs. ] It's a great idea, and I won't be gone long. Promise.
[ he takes a step back, and then another and another, his body pulsing electricity. ] I just want to have a quick... chit chat with somebody. It's nothing. Really. And you do need more blood. [ he brings a hand to his neck, smearing the blood that had been beading there and inhaling deeply - his eyes glowing brightly for half a second, probably giving a bit of a hint that the blood may be partly to blame for the strangeness. ] I need more blood. [ shed. ]
[ Oh pardon her momentary shock what she really means is the fuck you will. So she uses the wall to pull herself to her feet, thankfully gathering adrenaline by the second. ]
Absolutely not. If you go after either of them like this, I'll never forgive myself, or you.
[ If he waits until he's got his senses back to go do whatever dumb thing, well that's not her business, but like this, after she got him riled? Hell no. ]
[ If he even tries to make another excuse, tries to take off running, anything, she's going to use all three Hail Marys at once. ]
...oh, I don't plan on going after both of them. I happen to like Shandy. [ no comment on alala. ] Alizarin, sit, rest, relax. [ he's going to attempt to use his pheromones again, though they may not be as effective, since he's more coherent and actively getting annoyed??? aggravated??? at him. ]
I already made up my mind. [ he grabs the mask floating on the side of his head and moves it in front of his face, several cracks appearing it its already severely damaged surface. ] He's going to die. [ he grips the mask tightly as he takes a deep breath, a over-exaggerated sigh following... and then a hysteric laugh. ] There is chaos. There is bloodshed. There is carnage. There is me.
No. [ She feels the lull of those pheromones, but she'd have to be asleep not to react to this. It's her fault Caeli was fighting her, and therefore her fault Alala was even called here. Although she's starting to have grave doubts that Caeli's primary purpose in calling him here was to fix her up and that -- hurts. ]
Unmake it, then. Or I'll do it for you.
[ But she doesn't want to resort to that, so her expression fractures, anger fading into intense sadness. ]
Don't make me do that to you. Please. [ Last chance before she mind controls him out of this and hates herself even more for the rest of her immortal life. ]
[ and that's not 100% accurate. he would have called izanagi, but hurricane's departure probably left him... in a state. nyx he likes, but he's not sure he would have made it out here. lucifel is the one he probably should have called, but he couldn't completely ignore scaramouche's recent comment about alala. it's not like he expected to have all of these terrible feelings from the start... but the blood, all of that blood, it skewed his perspective... continued to twist and warp it... usually it just makes him incredibly horny, but... ]
[ but... ]
[ he blinks, another crack appearing in the mask, and it's a wonder it hasn't broken again. he feels... unwell, the maddening hysteria coming to a head as he presses the mask against his face. ] And how would you do that? [ it's just a question as he tries to collect his thoughts, vision tunneling through the narrow slits of his only lifeline. ]
Unit abilities. We have ones that can stop thoughts in their tracks. The one that woke Tsukasa up in Hurricane and Nem's -- [ Ideal World. She pauses, swallowing hard, ripping that particular wound wide open again. Serves her right. ]
I don't want to do that, but I can't let you hurt anyone else like this.
[ It probably should be obvious why she can't just let someone go off murdering others in a crazed bloodlust she put them into, Caeli in particular. But she doesn't trust him to know it right now, so: ]
If you never forgive me for it, then I'll live with that. But you know what I'd have given for someone to stop me before I slaughtered a whole city, one by one. I'm not going to stand by and let you have any more regrets.
I was trying to feel closer to you but I managed to screw that up this badly, I'm not going to make it worse. You'll have to kill me again and leave me rotting in the street.
ā¦ [ he is not sure how he feels about that ability, but he IS reminded of how pissed some people were when he manipulated them using his pheromonesā¦ though, to be fair, he also ended up manipulating himself, soā¦ serves him right. it also got them both hit by a train, so karma. ]
I hate when you blame yourself for everything little thing. [ he moves his mask aside, his expression stillā¦ a mess, but heās not bolting to do a murder, so thatās a plus. ] We had a great conversation and you gave me a great fightā¦
I was careless.
I let me mask break. I didnāt disentangle myself from a situation that was clearly aggravating a corruption Iām acutely aware of. I put you at riskā¦ Shandy and Alala too.
I want you to stop blaming yourself, Alizarin. You are not entirely at fault, and everything that you did for me, for us, was nothing but a highlight of the afternoonā¦
Iām the one that made things worse. [ which honestly isnāt all that surprising given his nature and track record. ]
[ Aliza lets out a breath she hadn't been aware of holding, relieved beyond measure that he's not going to go hurt Alala, that she won't (possibly, hopefully) have to mess with his mind to stop him from it. If it weren't for the sheer terrifying adrenaline of having been pulled back onto solid ground after dangling from her fingertips, her knees might have buckled. ]
[ She opens her mouth, but instead closes it and walks up to Caeli, reaching for his arm. ]
Don't say anymore, not here. [ All the blood around, that's got to be part of it. It's only not making her crazy because she was freaking out over more important matters. ]
Come with me, okay? To... [ she thinks for a frantic second ] to the sea. I can make it that far. [ And it'll calm them both down, and the air will smell like freshness and salt instead of stale blood. ] Just for a little while.
If you promise me that you wonāt keep trying to blame yourself for this messā¦ [ though, itās not like heās going to resist if she doesnāt. heāll just be a little disappointed. he goes along with the tug - beyond exhausted, from the fight, the lack of blood, the state of his mask, and the anger thatās finally subsiding. ] ā¦to the sea.
If I did promise that right now, could you even believe me? [ She probably wouldn't, in his shoes. ] I promise to let you try and talk me out of it, though. [ That, at least, will maybe keep him talking. ]
[ She's not entirely sure either of them can make it that far, but never underestimate the power of stubbornness. Her hold on his arm is light, and she's very purposefully not leaning on him, but she will if she thinks it'll help! Don't make her start snapping more heartstrings, it is not past her! ]
[ Once they've gotten far enough away, and she judges this by looking up at his expression and speaking only when it's looking more normal: ]
Why did you want to hurt him? [ Did, past tense. Clearly it's not just bloodlust and nothing else, or he'd have wanted to go after Shandy too. ]
ā¦if you made me a promise, then, yes, I would absolutely believe you. Promises areā¦ not something to be taken lightly. [ he stares at the pavement as they walk, moving slowly and basically dragging himself there. he doesnāt need help, but heās moving a bit sluggishly. ] Have I ever told you the Snezhnayan rhymeā¦ about them, I meanā¦
[ he brings a hand to his mask, fingers brushing the assortment of cracks. ] Iā¦ am not myself if this breaks. Iām just some feral monster. We spoke about jealousy and howā¦ it may be best to justā¦ not know, to let them keep their *other* business to themselvesā¦ [ he sighs, giving the mask a flick, so it spins around his head. ] My partner made a passing comment about him. I didnāt know theyā¦ I guess it doesnāt matter. He can do what he likesā¦ anyway, that other side of me picks up on linger negativity. Anything it can feed off of and exploit. And bloodā¦ I think it drives me a littleā¦ crazy.
Sometimes I forget that Iā¦ that they took my Foul Legacy from me, and that Iām a mess of corruptions meant to strip me bare, relieve me of any semblance of control I had or even thought I had, so they can enjoy how I writhe for their entertainment.
I have nothing against Alala. Iām sure heās fine.
[ Promises do matter, but unfortunately she'd have done or said anything to get him to not go hunt Alala down, or anyone else for that matter, while he was out of his mind. Lying absolutely included. Fortunately, honesty worked just well enough. Knowing this, if she ever makes him a promise she'll make sure to damn well keep it. ]
You've told me a little. Enough that I shouldn't have goaded you into breaking it. Or let you stay so long in that bloodstained street. [ She should have done things differently entirely. Insisted beforehand that he call Venti or Eirene. Given things a damn speck of thought before throwing them into that. ]
Ah. I get it. I might be the world's foremost example of virulent jealousy.. Only instead of hurting people physically, I get emotionally vicious. Burn every bridge without stopping to think.
[ She holds his arm a bit tighter, half support for him and half for herself. ] I'm sorry you had to hear something that hurt you. [ Even without any bad intentions behind it, it still sucks. ]
If you had made that promise to me just now, then youād be the one risking breaking it, no, ..? I donāt ever break my promisesā¦ [ at that, despite how tired he is, his eyes do gleam, but in a way thatās like a few stars in a galaxyā¦ shining, shimmering, splendid~ ] And you couldnāt have know about that. I doubt I know all of the ways theyāve completely fucked me up. Itās just something fun to discover every dayā¦ [ a bitter laugh. ]
We do the same thingā¦ just differently. [ burning the bridges, he means. ] It happens, doesnāt it, thatās what love isā¦ or part of it, anyway. I wouldnāt be bothered if my feelings werenāt soā¦ annoyingly overwhelming. If I didnāt care, then I wouldnāt have felt anything and I wouldnāt even be in this messā¦ [ he shakes his head. ] I doubt thatās normal, but I know Iām not exactly the shining beacon of normalcy. I should probably talk to himā¦ and I hope you keep open communication with your partners too, even about things youāre not comfortable with. You donātā¦ have to like something. Just make sure they know, ā¦no doubt they already love you, flaws and all, so donāt be afraid to trust them with an insecurity or two. But obviously if you need to work up to it, thatās fine.
There's a reason I didn't promise. Asking me to promise not to feel something about myself inside my own head... that's not something even you get to ask of me. No one does. [ She sounds more resigned than defiant, it's not like this is fun for her. ] I'd do almost anything for you, but I'm not going to promise to stop doing something I don't do on purpose in the first place. I can promise to try, that's it.
[ Glad as she is to hear that Caeli is at least going to attempt to work this out at the source, when he starts giving her advice she goes quiet. Not in any sort of offended way, but it does stretch on. ]
[ Finally: ] What's the point? If they're even here long enough, I'll sink into my Long Sleep within another handful of months and forget everything.
[ So you see, why should she bother not blaming herself for everything? Why try so hard to have healthy relationships? It can't last, and she won't be able to hang onto that personal growth no matter what. She's earned her pessimism, bought and paid for it time and again for hundreds of years. ]
ā¦thatās fair. I would rather you didnāt make a promise you couldnāt keep, and tryingā¦ thatās all I can really ask of you, and I certainly appreciate the effort. [ a small smile. ]
ā¦
Have you ever entertained the thought that using the resources here, at your disposal, you may be able to avoid having to go into another deep sleep ever again?
Just think about the assortment of people here, and all the different worldsā¦ the magic, the technology, ā¦and everything else. It could very well be possible.
[ he reaches for her chin, turning her face and making her look at him. ] You have every right to be skeptical, to not want to believe what Iām saying, but alsoā¦ there is a little light at the end of the tunnel, Alizarin.
I've thought of it. [ Mostly because it's been suggested before. ] I don't know, maybe. [ Which she has also said before, because it's easier than saying that she's afraid trying will just make things worse somehow. She still doesn't know much about herself, centuries or millennia of memories take a lot of time to gather, and as she's mentioned, she stopped buying them because they were only doing harm. ]
[ Despite desperately wanting to hide, she doesn't fight it when he insists she look at him. ] I don't think this is a tunnel so much as just the way things are. I've lost more partners than I have left, and most of them...
They love pieces of me, in spite of some other pieces. That's fine, it's more then enough, but it's hard not to feel it.
ā¦give them a chance. And take more memories, please. Even if itās one every once in a while. We can came out here to do it. Zhongli Xiansheng loves every part of me. Evenā¦ this part. Heās accepted its part of who I am and had even promised to help me keep it in check. And letās not forget his nation is the nation I attempted to sink, and yetā¦
Iām not going to tell you what to do, as only you can make that decision, but I can give you suggestions and try to guide you, having experienced similar things.
A few people from here are going to help me with something, as I face a particular problem that stifles my life a bit. Iā¦ donāt really want to get into details, but while most people around me seem to like for eons I may have only seen another couple of years, which, even for a human is pretty pathetic. [ a bit of a laugh, mostly to take the edge off. ] Butā¦ weāll see. I can only hope and enjoy the time I have with them now. Thereās no point Iād squandering it, especially if this IS itā¦ you knowā¦
[ She doesn't look away as Caeli speaks, knowing that there's truth in his words but having no clue what to do with it. He keeps talking about how to improve her, to prepare for a future she doesn't have. The rest of her bears it stoically enough, but he'll see the wilting sadness in her eyes. ]
Is that what you are to me? A guide? [ Maybe it's what she needs, but it's not what she wants. ]
[ blink blink. ] What, no, we're friends first and foremost, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help you in any way that I can, especially if you're dealing something that's tearing you up inside.
[ This answer immediately softens her expression, warmth seeping back into her eyes. ]
Good. It seems like everyone wants to mentor me, sometimes. I'm so childlike when I hatch so I guess I get it, but it's -- exhausting to be constantly told why I'm failing like I haven't noticed.
[ Anyone who spends three seconds with her should know she's harder on herself than anyone else, than is probably advisable. But changing isn't easy, especially when you have a handful of months to go from basically birth to death, and all she wants is someone to tell her it's okay to be sad about it, that being hard on herself is okay because they love her anyway. She wants agency and not advice, but can't quite put that to words. ]
I don't think you're failing. Life isn't about that. I mean, alright, I'm guess I'm not the best authority on this kind of shit as you've seen... but failing is part of learning. You can't walk if you don't crawl, and you can't grow if you don't, first, stumble and fuck up a bit. No one is perfect, even the people that think they are.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
[ Aliza flops down too, stretching out on her back, sand clinging to her hair. She's reached that inevitable point in these conversations where she hasn't the words to explain herself any better and it's starting to sound like she's putting all her effort into being miserable. ]
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
I guess I'm not doing a good job, huh, ... [ a helpless sort of laugh as he falls backward, draping an arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun. he gives a little sigh, his tails swishing about and getting all messy, though he doesn't seem to really care. ] I'll have to work on that, but... I really just want you to feel better. I guess... I have no right to speak for anybody else, but, for what it's worth, Alizarin, I like you for you, and I enjoy the time we spend together. Just... talking and sitting or fighting and stabbing. All of it. And even if you forget me I'm sure our bond will transcend all that and we'll connect somehow in your next life, assuming I'm even around for it.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
...Don't think that. You're listening to me, that's more than most. I'm just awful with words, nothing comes out right, so eventually I just clam up. [ She rolls onto her stomach, propped on her elbows, shaking the sand from her hair in such a way that it won't land on him. ]
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
...well, I know I said I would help you with a book of some kind, but that may not be something you can keep depending on where you go. It might get lost in the shuffle. This might be a little more drastic, but... it's something to think about. Certainly more permanent.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
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childeishly) wrote2022-09-08 09:36 am
Re: day 497.
[ he takes a step back, and then another and another, his body pulsing electricity. ] I just want to have a quick... chit chat with somebody. It's nothing. Really. And you do need more blood. [ he brings a hand to his neck, smearing the blood that had been beading there and inhaling deeply - his eyes glowing brightly for half a second, probably giving a bit of a hint that the blood may be partly to blame for the strangeness. ] I need more blood. [ shed. ]
Re: day 497.
Absolutely not. If you go after either of them like this, I'll never forgive myself, or you.
[ If he waits until he's got his senses back to go do whatever dumb thing, well that's not her business, but like this, after she got him riled? Hell no. ]
[ If he even tries to make another excuse, tries to take off running, anything, she's going to use all three Hail Marys at once. ]
Re: day 497.
I already made up my mind. [ he grabs the mask floating on the side of his head and moves it in front of his face, several cracks appearing it its already severely damaged surface. ] He's going to die. [ he grips the mask tightly as he takes a deep breath, a over-exaggerated sigh following... and then a hysteric laugh. ] There is chaos. There is bloodshed. There is carnage. There is me.
Re: day 497.
Unmake it, then. Or I'll do it for you.
[ But she doesn't want to resort to that, so her expression fractures, anger fading into intense sadness. ]
Don't make me do that to you. Please. [ Last chance before she mind controls him out of this and hates herself even more for the rest of her immortal life. ]
Re: day 497.
[ but... ]
[ he blinks, another crack appearing in the mask, and it's a wonder it hasn't broken again. he feels... unwell, the maddening hysteria coming to a head as he presses the mask against his face. ] And how would you do that? [ it's just a question as he tries to collect his thoughts, vision tunneling through the narrow slits of his only lifeline. ]
Re: day 497.
I don't want to do that, but I can't let you hurt anyone else like this.
[ It probably should be obvious why she can't just let someone go off murdering others in a crazed bloodlust she put them into, Caeli in particular. But she doesn't trust him to know it right now, so: ]
If you never forgive me for it, then I'll live with that. But you know what I'd have given for someone to stop me before I slaughtered a whole city, one by one. I'm not going to stand by and let you have any more regrets.
I was trying to feel closer to you but I managed to screw that up this badly, I'm not going to make it worse. You'll have to kill me again and leave me rotting in the street.
Re: day 497.
it also got them both hit by a train, so karma.]I hate when you blame yourself for everything little thing. [ he moves his mask aside, his expression stillā¦ a mess, but heās not bolting to do a murder, so thatās a plus. ] We had a great conversation and you gave me a great fightā¦
I was careless.
I let me mask break.
I didnāt disentangle myself from a situation that was clearly aggravating a corruption Iām acutely aware of.
I put you at riskā¦ Shandy and Alala too.
I want you to stop blaming yourself, Alizarin. You are not entirely at fault, and everything that you did for me, for us, was nothing but a highlight of the afternoonā¦
Iām the one that made things worse. [ which honestly isnāt all that surprising given his nature and track record. ]
Re: day 497.
[ She opens her mouth, but instead closes it and walks up to Caeli, reaching for his arm. ]
Don't say anymore, not here. [ All the blood around, that's got to be part of it. It's only not making her crazy because she was freaking out over more important matters. ]
Come with me, okay? To... [ she thinks for a frantic second ] to the sea. I can make it that far. [ And it'll calm them both down, and the air will smell like freshness and salt instead of stale blood. ] Just for a little while.
Re: day 497.
Re: day 497.
[ She's not entirely sure either of them can make it that far, but never underestimate the power of stubbornness. Her hold on his arm is light, and she's very purposefully not leaning on him, but she will if she thinks it'll help! Don't make her start snapping more heartstrings, it is not past her! ]
[ Once they've gotten far enough away, and she judges this by looking up at his expression and speaking only when it's looking more normal: ]
Why did you want to hurt him? [ Did, past tense. Clearly it's not just bloodlust and nothing else, or he'd have wanted to go after Shandy too. ]
Re: day 497.
[ he brings a hand to his mask, fingers brushing the assortment of cracks. ] Iā¦ am not myself if this breaks. Iām just some feral monster. We spoke about jealousy and howā¦ it may be best to justā¦ not know, to let them keep their *other* business to themselvesā¦ [ he sighs, giving the mask a flick, so it spins around his head. ] My partner made a passing comment about him. I didnāt know theyā¦ I guess it doesnāt matter. He can do what he likesā¦ anyway, that other side of me picks up on linger negativity. Anything it can feed off of and exploit. And bloodā¦ I think it drives me a littleā¦ crazy.
Sometimes I forget that Iā¦ that they took my Foul Legacy from me, and that Iām a mess of corruptions meant to strip me bare, relieve me of any semblance of control I had or even thought I had, so they can enjoy how I writhe for their entertainment.
I have nothing against Alala. Iām sure heās fine.
Re: day 497.
You've told me a little. Enough that I shouldn't have goaded you into breaking it. Or let you stay so long in that bloodstained street. [ She should have done things differently entirely. Insisted beforehand that he call Venti or Eirene. Given things a damn speck of thought before throwing them into that. ]
Ah. I get it. I might be the world's foremost example of virulent jealousy.. Only instead of hurting people physically, I get emotionally vicious. Burn every bridge without stopping to think.
[ She holds his arm a bit tighter, half support for him and half for herself. ] I'm sorry you had to hear something that hurt you. [ Even without any bad intentions behind it, it still sucks. ]
Re: day 497.
We do the same thingā¦ just differently. [ burning the bridges, he means. ] It happens, doesnāt it, thatās what love isā¦ or part of it, anyway. I wouldnāt be bothered if my feelings werenāt soā¦ annoyingly overwhelming. If I didnāt care, then I wouldnāt have felt anything and I wouldnāt even be in this messā¦ [ he shakes his head. ] I doubt thatās normal, but I know Iām not exactly the shining beacon of normalcy. I should probably talk to himā¦ and I hope you keep open communication with your partners too, even about things youāre not comfortable with. You donātā¦ have to like something. Just make sure they know, ā¦no doubt they already love you, flaws and all, so donāt be afraid to trust them with an insecurity or two. But obviously if you need to work up to it, thatās fine.
Re: day 497.
[ Glad as she is to hear that Caeli is at least going to attempt to work this out at the source, when he starts giving her advice she goes quiet. Not in any sort of offended way, but it does stretch on. ]
[ Finally: ] What's the point? If they're even here long enough, I'll sink into my Long Sleep within another handful of months and forget everything.
[ So you see, why should she bother not blaming herself for everything? Why try so hard to have healthy relationships? It can't last, and she won't be able to hang onto that personal growth no matter what. She's earned her pessimism, bought and paid for it time and again for hundreds of years. ]
Re: day 497.
ā¦
Have you ever entertained the thought that using the resources here, at your disposal, you may be able to avoid having to go into another deep sleep ever again?
Just think about the assortment of people here, and all the different worldsā¦ the magic, the technology, ā¦and everything else. It could very well be possible.
[ he reaches for her chin, turning her face and making her look at him. ] You have every right to be skeptical, to not want to believe what Iām saying, but alsoā¦ there is a little light at the end of the tunnel, Alizarin.
Re: day 497.
[ Despite desperately wanting to hide, she doesn't fight it when he insists she look at him. ] I don't think this is a tunnel so much as just the way things are. I've lost more partners than I have left, and most of them...
They love pieces of me, in spite of some other pieces. That's fine, it's more then enough, but it's hard not to feel it.
Re: day 497.
Iām not going to tell you what to do, as only you can make that decision, but I can give you suggestions and try to guide you, having experienced similar things.
A few people from here are going to help me with something, as I face a particular problem that stifles my life a bit. Iā¦ donāt really want to get into details, but while most people around me seem to like for eons I may have only seen another couple of years, which, even for a human is pretty pathetic. [ a bit of a laugh, mostly to take the edge off. ] Butā¦ weāll see. I can only hope and enjoy the time I have with them now. Thereās no point Iād squandering it, especially if this IS itā¦ you knowā¦
Re: day 497.
Is that what you are to me? A guide? [ Maybe it's what she needs, but it's not what she wants. ]
Re: day 497.
Re: day 497.
Good. It seems like everyone wants to mentor me, sometimes. I'm so childlike when I hatch so I guess I get it, but it's -- exhausting to be constantly told why I'm failing like I haven't noticed.
[ Anyone who spends three seconds with her should know she's harder on herself than anyone else, than is probably advisable. But changing isn't easy, especially when you have a handful of months to go from basically birth to death, and all she wants is someone to tell her it's okay to be sad about it, that being hard on herself is okay because they love her anyway. She wants agency and not advice, but can't quite put that to words. ]
Re: day 497.
[ on reaching the beach he's going to plop down in the sand because standing and moving is fucken too much. time to sit... forever. ] You have a lot of friends, Alizarin, and they love you for you. Just like my friends love me for me. And we're, well, ... [ he motions back in the direction of all the blood they just shed. ]
I'm not trying to change you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you figure things out that may be confusing. Feelings, relationships, that sort of thing...
Re: day 497.
[ The thing is, Caeli's wrong. She hears all the little, jagged pieces of proof constantly; Nem being scared of her, Ren's succinct note that frayed the edge of every memory of them, Causality not believing that she'd keep him safe, Lupine calling her a little kid with feelings too big for her to possibly understand. And Doctor saying he's the worst sort of person for two murders, one of them his own, while the blood on her hands could hardly be contained in a river, a tide she's dragging him into because she's too selfish not to. They love her despite, and that's all she deserves, and she's absolutely grateful, and the way she loves them is fierce and unending, and she's ever more aware of the loneliness she's had ever since she woke up here. Constant contradictions that make no sense even in her own head. ]
[ How could she possibly explain the looming certainty of her stasis? That every time she wakes up it's with an icy jolt, afraid that it's been decades and everything she loves has dissolved around her? The ticking clock she always hears, a single beam of light that narrows every hour, sure to disappear and leave her alone in the dark with not even her few, precious memories for company? Every version of her that's ever been is gone, as will this one be, the deaths and pain she caused the only thing that survived them, so why should she care about this her? Why should anyone? ]
[ Finally, there's only one thing she can think to say. ]
Thank you for not wanting to change me. And I'm sorry I had to try and change a little of you, before. [ Stopping him from going after Alala was the right thing, she'd do it again, but it still felt like she was rejecting him somehow. ]
Re: day 497.
I don't think that at all. Hell changed me... manipulates me regularly. I don't mind you running interference.
Re: day 497.
That's what makes it suck so much when people are gone, it's like my whole connection to them has vanished. I can't say how I feel, and soon I won't even be able to remember how I feel. Felt. [ That little correction might be easily overlooked, a clover amongst the tall grass, but it's everything. A little hint that her life might be timeless but her self isn't. ]
Maybe there's a reason I prefer fighting or taking people to bed, I'm better at expressing myself that way. When I hatch from stasis, I know how to do all that when I can't do anything else. Even without words or memories, it's like my bones and muscles remember for me. I don't know my real name, but I know when I hold someone and kiss them, that's real. It comforts me in a way nothing else can.
Re: day 497.
A tattoo. It doesn't have to be big. Definitely not as obnoxious as the ones they gave me, but something curated to the people you care about. You can even get them to help you design it. But that's assuming you'd even be interested in something like that.
...it depends on the person and in your case actions are easier to express than words. Some people are the opposite and have no idea how to do that, touching and holding, and the idea freaks them out... yet they can spin beautiful words that could melt your heart without an ounce of hesitation. It's crazy how different we all are, but that's also what makes relationships difficult... we don't fit together like a picture perfect puzzle... but I guess... that's also part of what makes them interesting. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.
Re: day 497.