childeishly | 🐍 serpent horizon inbox.

Breaking up isn’t going to fox the problem, because not being boyfriends isn’t going to mean that our feelings for each other are suddenly gone.

…hurting each other is just something that’s going to happen, and maybe if we continue to be vocal about it we can work through the feelings before they explode.

If something is making you unhappy, then tell me. And I’ll do the same. And we’ll tackle each problem one by one, together.

I don't always know. Sometimes something bothers me and I can tell it's making me angry, but it seems so small and insignificant and I don't notice it's growing.

It was easier before. The only feelings I had to pay attention to were my anger and hate. Now there's everything else added in the mix and I don't want my anger to taint it.

Nothing is small and significant if it’s bothering you and making you angry, okay?

Don't encourage it, you know I have a bad personality.

[ but he leans in to kiss him, if he'll let him ]

And I still love you.

[ he lets him kiss him. ]

What's going to make you feel better right now?

Just knowing you don't actually want to break up with me is more than enough.

[ shifting so he can move fully in his lap and then rest his head on his shoulder ]

I'm the one who ruined your evening.

I don't want to break up with you, Mochi. [ you're his. ]

[ he lets him climb into his lap, his hand moving to his back to pat it as he rests his head on his shoulder. ] ...well, maybe you can make it up to me then.

And how would I do that?

Spend today with me.

… okay. I can do that.

[ going right back to hiding but he’s reaching for Caeli’s hand so he can hold it ]

[ keeps a hand on his back, but he offers him the other hand. ] I'm glad you don't want to break up with me, Mochi...

You’re not the one who messed up.

[ and since Caeli said to tell him no matter what … ]

But a 9.8, just below me, I will never accept it. It should have been a 9 at best.

And I’m easily 100.

But you're not just a 10. I said I wouldn't give anybody else a 10 because that's considered perfect, and 10s are reserved for the people I admire most. [ aka love. ] But you are easily a 100. I didn't know a silly number would upset you so much. But you're on a scale like no other, Mochi.

When there’s so little of a gap, it feels like I’m being chased and I’ll get dethroned soon enough. That’s why it also bothered me that he scored you so high. It felt like he was saying you’re falling in love and it’ll be a 10. Then he said you kiss him and call him beautiful, and between that and what’s going on with Haruki I couldn’t handle it.

But it’s not like I want you to stop seeing him … I just wanted him to be a 9.

Mochi, nobody is going to dethrone you. [ he takes his hand and brings it to his lips, kissing the riptide mark. ] I may like and care about some of the other people here… but nobody compares to you and I’m sorry if I made it seem like he’s right there.

[ he leans back, so he can take mochi’s chin in hand and give him a kiss. ]

It's not like you did. It's just a number.

[ he was the one who attached a specific significance to that number, and he knows that. He just also has no idea how to deal with his feelings. He does lean in to kiss him back, on the cheek - and this time he's not going back into hiding ]

Logically my brain knows you're not going to abandon me. It's the rest that's the problem.

Edited 2023-07-11 13:59 (UTC)

...are you going to be alright? We both have some things we need to work on, but there's no removing the jealousy completely. I know this, because I often find myself feeling jealous of the others you give your attention to. I try to just bury those feelings, which I know is unhealthy... but I don't know what else to do either...

I don't know. I don't think I'm ever going to be able not to feel like this either. There are days where it's easier and then it comes crashing like this.

I spent all night yesterday feeling like I really wanted someone to just chop my limbs off and have fun with my body. I didn't indulge that thought, before you worry about it. But I did also thought doing that to someone else would have been just as fun.

I'm always going to be jealous seeing you with other people and knowing you have others waiting. But I also don't know what to do about it.

... [ frowns as soon as mochi tells him he just wants to be mutilated and used. ] I'm real glad that you didn't, but I hate that you thought that at all. [ he moves, so that he'll be able to lean back against the head board. ] I can't leave my version of Teyvat, because I have to help her Majesty, the Tsaritsa, but... if we do manage to escape here, then... how about we run away to another version for a little bit? It's not like I haven't already gotten kidnapped twice in a row. How would they know it hasn't been three or four times?

Isn't that going to be just a temporary solution? You'll still have to go back eventually. And I'm not going to abandon Haruki now.

[ leaving another kiss to his cheek - and then his lips ]

I'll get over it. When we're happy, it feels really, really good. I want to focus on that. I'm going to. All the background noise I feel ... every bad thought and voice telling me to expect the worst - I'll try to shut it down.

Because you plan on going to Haruki in the end anything we do is going to be temporary. And I have Tsukiakari too. I just thought this could be a way that we only have each other for a little while. And I would still like you to come back with me... even if it's for a little while. [ he's told him tsukiakari's going to be traveling... so it's not like he's always going to be there. and zhongli... he's not sure what he plans on doing either. everything's up in the air. ] ...but, mm, let's just focus on us for now. [ he flips mochi and pins him down, letting out some of his pheromones. ] I want you to feel nothing but good right now, Mochi. Really really really good.

[ For a little while ... his promise to Haruki was to come back to him at the end of his travels. Until then, he's free to do whatever he wants. And if that includes staying for a little bit with Caeli, when they can both pretend there's nothing complicated awaiting them ...

Part of him really wants to say yes. But part of him feels like it'd drag on the inevitable and only hurt even more.

Fortunately he doesn't have to think it through, because he's being pinned down and the pheromones are already working their magic - making him feel good even without Caeli putting any effort in it ]

I should — I should be the one making you feel good, though ...

I know we're going to figure something out, Mochi, ...it'll take some time, but I have faith in us. [ he leans down to bite him, marking his neck up and down and making him his. ] I love you, Mochi, so much... and I'm going to show you... [ he grabs the hem of his shirt and yanks it over his head, kissing down his chest and then tweaking one of his nipples while he sucks on the other. ]

[ he brings his hand over his head, letting out a soft moan as Caeli starts kissing his chest and teasing his nipples like that ]

I love you — I love you too. So much that it hurts — but I don't want to stop. I won't stop no matter what.

[ he kisses him roughly. ] Love you too. So much, Mochi, and I hate that you're hurting. I just want you to feel good. I want to make you feel good. Tell me what you want, what you want to do.

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