childeishly | 🐍 serpent horizon inbox.

[ he shakes his head ]

It's not up to you to find a way to stop these thoughts either. You're already doing what you can, it's not like I don't know I'm the problem here.

As for Haruki ... my drunken ramble didn't exactly portray things as they are. It's not like he told me he loves you, so don't go at it with that angle.

But it’s not just you. I don’t like it either, being… ‘the other’. I’m just not sure how to fix that.

I’ll figure something out…

You might just end up scaring him. ... Back when I was Kabukimono he told me he didn't know if he was capable of being happy. Or capable of loving. I know how that feels because it wasn't different for me.

He knows you want to be loved. And he's worried he might not be able to give you that. But that alone is already proof that he cares.

If you tell him what happened yesterday he might decide not to even pursue it if he knows just how much I exploded.

I don't want that ...

I want you both for myself and I want to trap you, make sure you will never escape my reach, no matter the cost. But I also want you to be happy. And he's just now accepting some of his emotions.

I don't want this to ruin that any more than I want it to ruin us.

I’m not going to tell him what happened last night… [ but he hopes that you’re sorry enough to eventually apologize to vil. he didn’t do anything wrong. ]

But I am going to have a talk with him. Maybe not today, but soon.

That's fine.

... do you think maybe it's better if we break up now, after all?

What? No… [ his tone wavers just a little bit. ]

You want to break up?

[ he shakes his head ]

No. That's the opposite of what I want. But I don't want to hurt you again and I know I will.

So I don't know what would be best. That's why I'm asking you.

Breaking up isn’t going to fox the problem, because not being boyfriends isn’t going to mean that our feelings for each other are suddenly gone.

…hurting each other is just something that’s going to happen, and maybe if we continue to be vocal about it we can work through the feelings before they explode.

If something is making you unhappy, then tell me. And I’ll do the same. And we’ll tackle each problem one by one, together.

I don't always know. Sometimes something bothers me and I can tell it's making me angry, but it seems so small and insignificant and I don't notice it's growing.

It was easier before. The only feelings I had to pay attention to were my anger and hate. Now there's everything else added in the mix and I don't want my anger to taint it.

Nothing is small and significant if it’s bothering you and making you angry, okay?

Don't encourage it, you know I have a bad personality.

[ but he leans in to kiss him, if he'll let him ]

And I still love you.

[ he lets him kiss him. ]

What's going to make you feel better right now?

Just knowing you don't actually want to break up with me is more than enough.

[ shifting so he can move fully in his lap and then rest his head on his shoulder ]

I'm the one who ruined your evening.

I don't want to break up with you, Mochi. [ you're his. ]

[ he lets him climb into his lap, his hand moving to his back to pat it as he rests his head on his shoulder. ] ...well, maybe you can make it up to me then.

And how would I do that?

Spend today with me.

… okay. I can do that.

[ going right back to hiding but he’s reaching for Caeli’s hand so he can hold it ]

[ keeps a hand on his back, but he offers him the other hand. ] I'm glad you don't want to break up with me, Mochi...

You’re not the one who messed up.

[ and since Caeli said to tell him no matter what … ]

But a 9.8, just below me, I will never accept it. It should have been a 9 at best.

And I’m easily 100.

But you're not just a 10. I said I wouldn't give anybody else a 10 because that's considered perfect, and 10s are reserved for the people I admire most. [ aka love. ] But you are easily a 100. I didn't know a silly number would upset you so much. But you're on a scale like no other, Mochi.

When there’s so little of a gap, it feels like I’m being chased and I’ll get dethroned soon enough. That’s why it also bothered me that he scored you so high. It felt like he was saying you’re falling in love and it’ll be a 10. Then he said you kiss him and call him beautiful, and between that and what’s going on with Haruki I couldn’t handle it.

But it’s not like I want you to stop seeing him … I just wanted him to be a 9.

Mochi, nobody is going to dethrone you. [ he takes his hand and brings it to his lips, kissing the riptide mark. ] I may like and care about some of the other people here… but nobody compares to you and I’m sorry if I made it seem like he’s right there.

[ he leans back, so he can take mochi’s chin in hand and give him a kiss. ]

It's not like you did. It's just a number.

[ he was the one who attached a specific significance to that number, and he knows that. He just also has no idea how to deal with his feelings. He does lean in to kiss him back, on the cheek - and this time he's not going back into hiding ]

Logically my brain knows you're not going to abandon me. It's the rest that's the problem.

Edited 2023-07-11 13:59 (UTC)

...are you going to be alright? We both have some things we need to work on, but there's no removing the jealousy completely. I know this, because I often find myself feeling jealous of the others you give your attention to. I try to just bury those feelings, which I know is unhealthy... but I don't know what else to do either...

I don't know. I don't think I'm ever going to be able not to feel like this either. There are days where it's easier and then it comes crashing like this.

I spent all night yesterday feeling like I really wanted someone to just chop my limbs off and have fun with my body. I didn't indulge that thought, before you worry about it. But I did also thought doing that to someone else would have been just as fun.

I'm always going to be jealous seeing you with other people and knowing you have others waiting. But I also don't know what to do about it.

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