childeishly | 🐍 serpent horizon inbox.

... Mm. I'm not arguing with that.

Instead of blowing up on me out of the blue, and at a party, no less... next time, if something is bothering you, Mochi, I want you to talk to me. [ he folds his arms. ] But turns out it's not so great... knowing somebody you love is constantly flirting and fucking other people. [ and he's still trying to avoid thinking about all that shit that likely happened during that bullshit body part trading game. mochi just giving things away... and probably getting off on it too. ]

[ his face twists into something unreadable as he looks aside. ]

...you're the one I care about most here, Mochi, so this... this fucken hurt.

[ he's quiet, not knowing how to word what he wants to say and if he wants to say it at all ]

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

...

[ he goes over to the bed to sit beside him. ] Come here, Mochi. I'm sorry too... for making you feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You're not. [ he reaches for his chin to turn his head, if he'll let him. ] I love you, and that's not something I have told anybody else here.

[ he does let him but he still looks away ]

I didn't want to hurt you. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to share you but that's never going to change. And it's not like I don't know it's hypocritical.

But I can't shut down the voice in my head that tells me you have no reason to stay with me. I want to encourage Haruki to let himself love and be loved but I hate that he's no longer mine alone.

You already know two different version of me and they've both managed to become gods, so why waste your time with me.

The more people you care about the more you'll see there's nothing worth caring about when it comes to me.

I can only compete if I force you to look at myself and myself only.

...and I know it's hypocritical of me to want you all to myself too. It's not like the other people I love don't have other people, and maybe, like you, I'm... mad about that, because I want them to be mine and mine alone. I don't want to be the one to fall to the wayside... alone and forgotten about...

I don't need a god, Mochi. I don't care about that. I fell in love with you for... you. [ he moves mochi's hand to the collar around his neck, the one he's still wearing... despite what happened... ]

...why do you think I want you to come back to Teyvat and stay with me? I wouldn't have asked if you didn't mean something - and a whole lot of something at that. I don't want to lose you.

But I can't come back with you and stay with you because I'd have to see you with two others. Even before Haruki came into the picture I couldn't handle the thought of just being another one.

I don't want to lose you and I don't want to be left behind either.

[ he’s just quiet, because there’s no way for everybody to end up perfectly happy in this situation. ] …we don’t have to think about that right now then. I’m not sure what can be done to change how we all feel about being in some love triangle- square- I don’t even know at this point, but at least for right now we have each other…

We still have time to try to figure that other thing out. [ it’s all he’s got, and, yes, he’s feeling a little helpless. ]

I'll blow up at you again. And I'll also keep hurting you since I'm not willing to stop sleeping with others when I know you'll never be fully mine.

I want to be better but I can't discard it. All these negative thoughts swirling my head, the doubts and the fear. It takes over and I can't hold it back. I didn't want to catch you in it.

And I shouldn't have told you about Haruki either.

...if you're not going to stop, then there's no reason for me to stop. It wouldn't be fair. I'm always here for you, Mochi, and I have always made a point to put you first... I know that's not going to stop all of these thoughts, but... [ he doesn't know where he's going with that, but he finally does scoot backward a bit to give mochi some space. ]

But you did, and now I'm going to have to talk to him.

[ he shakes his head ]

It's not up to you to find a way to stop these thoughts either. You're already doing what you can, it's not like I don't know I'm the problem here.

As for Haruki ... my drunken ramble didn't exactly portray things as they are. It's not like he told me he loves you, so don't go at it with that angle.

But it’s not just you. I don’t like it either, being… ‘the other’. I’m just not sure how to fix that.

I’ll figure something out…

You might just end up scaring him. ... Back when I was Kabukimono he told me he didn't know if he was capable of being happy. Or capable of loving. I know how that feels because it wasn't different for me.

He knows you want to be loved. And he's worried he might not be able to give you that. But that alone is already proof that he cares.

If you tell him what happened yesterday he might decide not to even pursue it if he knows just how much I exploded.

I don't want that ...

I want you both for myself and I want to trap you, make sure you will never escape my reach, no matter the cost. But I also want you to be happy. And he's just now accepting some of his emotions.

I don't want this to ruin that any more than I want it to ruin us.

I’m not going to tell him what happened last night… [ but he hopes that you’re sorry enough to eventually apologize to vil. he didn’t do anything wrong. ]

But I am going to have a talk with him. Maybe not today, but soon.

That's fine.

... do you think maybe it's better if we break up now, after all?

What? No… [ his tone wavers just a little bit. ]

You want to break up?

[ he shakes his head ]

No. That's the opposite of what I want. But I don't want to hurt you again and I know I will.

So I don't know what would be best. That's why I'm asking you.

Breaking up isn’t going to fox the problem, because not being boyfriends isn’t going to mean that our feelings for each other are suddenly gone.

…hurting each other is just something that’s going to happen, and maybe if we continue to be vocal about it we can work through the feelings before they explode.

If something is making you unhappy, then tell me. And I’ll do the same. And we’ll tackle each problem one by one, together.

I don't always know. Sometimes something bothers me and I can tell it's making me angry, but it seems so small and insignificant and I don't notice it's growing.

It was easier before. The only feelings I had to pay attention to were my anger and hate. Now there's everything else added in the mix and I don't want my anger to taint it.

Nothing is small and significant if it’s bothering you and making you angry, okay?

Don't encourage it, you know I have a bad personality.

[ but he leans in to kiss him, if he'll let him ]

And I still love you.

[ he lets him kiss him. ]

What's going to make you feel better right now?

Just knowing you don't actually want to break up with me is more than enough.

[ shifting so he can move fully in his lap and then rest his head on his shoulder ]

I'm the one who ruined your evening.

I don't want to break up with you, Mochi. [ you're his. ]

[ he lets him climb into his lap, his hand moving to his back to pat it as he rests his head on his shoulder. ] ...well, maybe you can make it up to me then.

And how would I do that?

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